Hitting that writers slump
Sometimes life has it's ups and downs, and sometimes those downs have a lot of downs.
Writers Block?
I’ve been having a difficult time journaling recently. For maybe like a month at this point I’ve had very little desire to journal or work on my blog. I still have about 50 unpublished drafts just sitting in WordPress. I did however find it in me to create a separate blog dedicated to book posts. Yet I’m also finding I have no motivation to read either. Losing my Plex server really took a toll on my already diminishing desire to read since the divorce started. I’m finding I’m not wanting to do anything where I don’t have any accountability to do it. Even with the things I do have accountability with, I’m finding myself doing the bare minimum. I haven’t practiced singing on my own time in weeks, I’ve barely broken a sweat on my own time in almost a month, and dishes and other stuff around my place are going unattended for days at a time.
I don’t know how to comprehend what this phenomenon is that I’m experiencing. This is not the first time it has happened, it has happened at least a couple times a year for as long as I can remember. I think in a way I feel like I’m accepting where I’m at in life and I’m not liking where I’m at. Maybe that’s what it is, or maybe that’s just a post rationalization. I don’t even know anymore. Maybe I'm overthinking it. I’ve noticed a lot of people saying that I’m overcomplicating things recently. Either that or “it’s not that complicated”, “you’re making this more complicated than it is”, or “you’re overthinking it”. I’ve been getting “that’s an oversimplification” or “You’re overcomplicating it” for years. Some people don’t say either; about the same things others say; about the same thing, some things people will say 'over complicated' or 'oversimplified' depending on who I ask or say the same thing. [Post Edit: That last sentence doesn't make sense to me either, I'd totally remove it if it didn't perfectly encapsulate how my brain often works]
What is this journal even about now?
I don’t even know at this point, do I own it like my arrogance? My talkativeness? My introspection? My comfortability with vulnerability? Or is this something I need to work on like my “truth hurts” or “Your feelings are your responsibility” that I’ve taken to the extreme previously? If I am overcomplicating things as much as some people say I am, how do I know when I am, why can’t I see it at all? How am I supposed to work on something that I can’t even begin to identify any thoughts or behaviors different than any other of my thoughts or behaviors. Are these people just not my people? Are they not accepting of me? Will they be able to? Do they need to? Am I too accepting of them? Do I not accept things about them equivalent to this? Should I expect them to accept it? Is it even acceptable at all?
I don’t even know anymore. What is this journal even about now? Is it about my lack of motivation? Is it about something others say about me that I’m complaining about? Or am I just upset that I’m not getting the attention I want from the potential employers I want to hear back from? Or from the women I’ve talked to? Or from the friends I’m trying to make? Why can’t I consistently focus on my life enough to not feel compelled to reach out to others over and over and over until I push them away? Has this gotten worse by not journaling as much? Or am I just getting more people in my life for me to push away and it is becoming more apparent? Or am I just overcomplicating things now? Haha, I don’t even know at this point.