I'm having trouble knowing what is real and what is not
"Oh, you tell me to hold on
But innocence is gone
And what was right is wrong" - Imagine Dragons (Bleeding Out)
My Reality Is Shifting
Now that I’m aware that I’m actually living in a reality of extreme all or nothing thinking (and not just unfairly accused of it by others who don't "get me") I’m very frustrated by it. To be fair I’ve known that I often think in black and white, many people have told me this. But no one, especially not me, knew the extent to which my reality was dictated by these extremes. Many people, including myself considered me to be good at perspective taking. But the reality is that I would just go back and forth between the extremes. Only those closest to me found how frustrating and confusing this back and forth could be. They could think I want one thing, and then find I want the opposite not long after. But in my reality I was being consistent, and this is anything but true.
I feel like such a fool that I could not believe others about my inconsistency and blaming the inconsistency I perceived on them. I’m now living in this surreal reality where I don’t know what was true and what was not. I am now questioning all of my perceptions of my own and others' reality.
It was definitely gaslighting to many, but in many ways I too was being gaslit by my own perception of reality.
I would get so upset about my perceived inconsistencies of others, while probably looking insane to them. It was definitely gaslighting to many, but in many ways I too was being gaslit by my own perception of reality. I would get bitter, mean, angry, and go into rages over all of this. Before this awareness I had the comfort of my ignorance to believe that others were in the wrong and now I’m finding it near impossible to know what is real.
This is my main reason now for desperately working on this BPD problem of mine. The regret I have of my past ignorance and the pain that it caused others cannot persist. The cost to me is too high and the pain it causes others is unacceptable. Yet I still write so many of these posts and perhaps this one is in all or nothing thinking too. Here I am the villain, but later I might write the same thing blaming others as the victim, or perhaps the hero… I’m just done with it all, I need to be done, I have to be done, and soon enough it will be done. Even if soon enough is years, because I am totally committed to changing my perception of reality.