Judgmental

Change

So I recently heard that judgmental thinking is at the root of wanting to change someone. I haven’t looked into it much, but it makes sense. Most of what it made me ponder was “wanting to change someone.”

I know this is something I’ve struggled with my whole life. It probably stems from the fact we can’t actually force anyone to do what we want. So trying to change others is about as close as it comes to forcing people to do what we want. It is also an insult to others individuality and prevents us from caring about others as they are, from accepting them as they are, and from appreciating them as they are.

I know I’ve been judgmental for as long as I can remember and it seems I’ve attracted judgmental people into my life. I even bonded over it with many people in my life, even my wife. Sarah and I bonded over judging people in our respective religions. Then eventually each other, our families, our friends, and eventually just about everyone. I think I started to judge Sarah first, I think she had very little influence over me to change me. That creates an imbalanced power dynamic, not that there should even be a balanced power dynamic for judging and changing each other.

I think the stress of us both being woefully unprepared for life together as a couple like that pushed us to the limit and it wasn't enough. We had so much to care about that was so stressful and it made it hard to care about each other. We were so bad at taking care of ourselves in what marriage required of us and we both were not good at taking care of each other the ways we needed or wanted. At least not good enough to handle it in the face of all that stress.

I find it infuriating that no one said we were not prepared for what we were going into. I know her family thought I was capable of more than I was because of my lies, but even in the state they believed we were in, how did they not protest? Then my family, they knew the truth about me, and they didn’t protest either. How did no one warn us? How were the troubles we faced early on not taken more seriously by our families? How did we not see what was really going on?

I’m tired of wanting to change people, I’m tired of wanting to change peoples minds, I’m tired of wanting to change for other people, and I’m just tired of thinking about what change is “best”. I wish I could have felt this way sooner in my life, that would have been the best time, but the second best time is now. I’m still not sure if I can stop judging the way I want, or even decrease the amount I judge. I don’t know how, but I hope this awareness guides me to what I need to know.