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Some November Journal Posts

It's been a really rough month

Ups and Downs are to be expected, especially when one is a person with bipolar disorder. The key to mastering the cycles is... well there is no key to it, or I have not found it yet.

I Don’t Know What I’m Feeling

11/03/2022

I’ve been thinking about Sarah since brunch with Omar. I had an açaí bowl, so between the sugar, talking about Sarah, and the açaí bowl reminding me of her since she worked at an açaí place when we started being friends and she introduced me to them, I was pretty overloaded on Sarah. It sucks to think that she never thinks about me, she is just annoyed by me trying to contact her, and does not read any of the attempts.

I’m feeling like my head and chest don’t want to stay up, like my body is trying to get into the fetal position. It is uncomfortable for me to be in proper posture. The feeling is in my gut, and I don’t know if I miss her, or I’m sad, or angry, or what. It’s just a discomfort that borders on pain, I just want to be doing nothing, but if I do nothing the feeling is all that I have. I want to buy stuff, like big stuff, like a video game system, or an Apple Watch. Even though I have not touched the ps4 I bought two months ago and have only played it a few times. I have a broken hand, so the Apple Watch won’t be used as much for working out as it would if it wasn’t broken. I want the watch to help me track my sleep debt since my schedule is crazy, also I would like to track my runs.


I don’t know. I’m obviously looking for a dopamine hit.


What I would give to have even just one time in my life where I could honestly say, “I need to focus on my mental health for a while.”


Tired Of Mental Health

11/11/2022

I’m so tired of mental illness my entire god damn life has been about mental illness and mental health. For most of my life at least and now I learn that I also have to figure out CPTSD AND a personality disorder too?!

I used to think I was good at mental health, or at least better than most, but boy did my marriage prove that to be a crock of shit. What I would give to have even just one time in my life where I could honestly say, “I need to focus on my mental health for a while.”

I’ve never had the chance to say that because I’ve never had the chance to not think about mental health for a day. It’s exhausting and I’m so tired of so much of my awareness and identity being tied up into it. No, wait, that makes it seem like I have much of a choice in the matter without making my life worse. I don’t really have a choice, not a good one. Maybe one day, but I haven’t come close yet.


This cast fucking suuuucks.


Another New Cast

11/11/2022

This cast fucking suuuucks. It’s hard all the way around which makes it nearly impossible to type on any device and painful to type on any device. So I think my journaling is going to decline. Which also fucking suck because my Plex server got deleted for a charge back that my bank did without my consent. So now I have no entertainment, no books, a hindered ability to type, and no fucking idea what I’m going to do in order to not lose my mind.


I’m not seeing much to be hopeful for in the future.


The Good, the Bad, the Bad

11/13/2022

It’s been a really shitty week. I’ve been sick for almost a week now and I'm coughing up so much phlegm, sometimes with blood, fevers, cold sweats, aches, sore throat’s, shakes, low appetite, etc

I haven’t been able to work much, I’m probably going to be lucky to break much past $400. Sarah found me out as John. I’m not going to get my hard drive backups of my Plex content for 6 months. The friend I made while Ubering this week that I went out with to bar hop last night completely disappeared after telling me he was going out for a smoke and there is no texts or calls going through, not like he blocked me, but like his phone is off. I don’t know if he’s dead or alive at this point.

[Edit 11/15/2022 I decided to try calling him from my google voice number and it started ringing all the way to his voicemail. So he did block me, which is even more frustrating than I could have imagined. A woman blocking me is one thing, but a dude I just want to hang out with, what the actual fuck?]

I’ve been depressed, which probably has a lot to do with me being sick. I’m not seeing much to be hopeful for in the future. I’m more uncertain about this job at Amazon than ever, but even if I wasn’t it wouldn’t be a thing until probably after January. This new recession doesn’t look well for me either.

Check out where this goes next!


I’m going to be okay, I’m learning a little more about myself every day. The more I learn about myself the more I’ll figure out who I am.


I’ve had to stop my efforts with learning just because I don’t have the space right now and I barely have any desire to read anymore. This new cast sucks hard and I don’t know if I’ll make it the last two weeks with it on. I’ve realized every woman I’ve connected with so far has eventually ghosted me. I’m eating out more, spending probably $100 a week on food and drinks, and I’m drinking a lot. I’m also getting more and more upset with how much more work I have to do on my mental health to get “stable.”

But so far I’ve been able to cut off a part of my cast with a nail file to make it more bearable and to be able to type. I signed up for HBO max to have some stuff to watch, so things are looking a little up. I can’t possibly be sick for too much longer, so hopefully I can start working out again this week. I need to stay focused on things I can control like my therapy and working out for a few more months. I’m going to learn to cook this chili, so I’ll have something hot and good to eat at home instead of going out so much. I learned what kind of syrup is in the grape liit I like so much, now I just need to learn how to make a liit.

I’m going to be okay, I’m learning a little more about myself every day. The more I learn about myself the more I’ll figure out who I am. At this point I know that I love to write even though I don’t have the same manic energy to read like before, althoughI do find a compulsion to read certain books. So I’ll figure out my new swing of things, eventually…


Maybe this will inspire someone else to prove to themselves that they deserve to have the same kind of wins.


Food & Drinks

11/15/2022

Today has been really good, but I can’t share the wins with the one person I really want to. It hurts, bad, that it took losing Sarah for me to grow up in the way she needed me to the most. I’m on meds, I’m working out, working, I’m healing from my trauma that led to me not satisfying her sexually, the rages, all the most painful shit for her. I just cooked something she would have been so proud of and I made a mixed drink neither of us had tried back then that I think she would have loved. I cleaned up all the mess, I bought all the ingredients and even ran out to get what was missing when I was making the drinks… twice, also I found and saved the recipes to notes in my phone. It was a night Sarah would have loved and we probably would have made love... actually I know we would have.

Now I’m doing this all for me. I am proud of myself, because I’m becoming a more and more valuable person to myself and anyone else lucky enough to be in my life. Even though I can’t tell Sarah, I’m telling myself here and now by journaling about it so my future self can remember this win if he ever needs it. Maybe this will inspire someone else to prove to themselves that they deserve to have the same kind of wins. Who knows, maybe someone will read this and want what I have to offer in their life and maybe I will want what they have to offer. I’ve been lonely before and it doesn’t stick for long, but I’m learning to keep myself company more and more. I’m liking my own company more and more because I make a good friend to myself. I’m excited to taste my chili… at 3am haha. Why are so many events in my life tied to 3am? See, I probably wouldn’t have ever noticed that if I didn’t journal!