There Are Still Lesson For Me To Learn
I'm learning so much since I decided to go to college, and the lessons are so painful, but I'm trying to stay optimistic
School and Other Memories
Today Starts my San Diego City College online courses. I’m glad I signed up for these and can do them from across the country. But every moment I’ve spent on setting this all up and getting started today, I’ve been really missing Sarah. So many things remind me of her, and I forget the reality of things and think we might be able to resolve things and get back together.
I know there will come a time when it really feels like getting back together with her is not only a bad idea, but also moving backwards and much worse than the options I have in my life without her. Honestly that time can’t come soon enough. I know it took me months, maybe over a year, to get past thinking of how if I could just explain things or they would understand where I’m coming from, that Scott, Trent, and others would come back into my life and we could be friends again. It’s taken much longer than I expected, and I expected it to never happen again until 5 years later when it did. I was in crisis and they answered my calls and listened to my situation, they offered to come back into my life, and we are figuring out what we are now.
Not everyone from my past is willing to come back into my life, and I’m learning to accept those losses. When it comes to friends, it’s been much easier to accept those loses because I can make and have other friends to distract me from even remembering them for months at a time. But Sarah was more than a friend, more than a best friend, because Evan was my best friend for 20 years and I barely think about and never miss him now that he’s out of my life for good. But with Sarah, it’s different, I want to rush into dating and get into a relationship to fill the painful void left by her, even though I know that’s a very bad idea. I just need time to heal and move on, it’s only been 2 months, the divorce papers have just been filed.
The pressure, guilt, and responsibilities expected of us by our own expectations, societies, and our families just pushed us both so far over the edge.
Staying Optimistic
It was a horrible marriage to an amazing person. I miss Sarah, and our relationship, but our marriage and the toll that took on our relationship was horrific and traumatizing. The pressure, guilt, and responsibilities expected of us by our own expectations, societies, and our families just pushed us both so far over the edge. Neither of us knew what we were getting into, and we can see now that neither of us really knew each other that well. If we were just dating, then things would have been different, especially if we weren’t living together. I did not have my shit together, and she did not know what mental health and mental illness really meant, and we could not support each other in the ways we needed most. The effects that had on us both were traumatizing, and that trauma turned into abuse. Those things ruined us, we ruined us, but I feel most like I ruined us.
Everything would have been better for both of us if she could have just broken up with me the first time I became verbally abusive. But I may not have ever faced my molestation issue if not for the immense pain of divorce. I can’t change the past, I must accept the past, I must accept my choices in the past, I must learn to live with the past and move forward. I need to work on myself, and over time, I will find what I need to really move on and let go. Eventually my life will make sense again, I will find love again, and I will find passion again. I will find a relationship, it will grow, and I will be prepared for it that time. No more lies, no more promises that I probably can’t keep, no more abuse, no more of my past mistakes that hurt those I love.